If not now, when?

One American woman. Twenty acres and a 1650 farmhouse in Tuscany. Random introspection and hilarity, depending on the day.

31 December 2006

The stuff New Years' Dreams are made of

(If you've seen it, you know the scene. The scene that, every New Year's Eve, gives the soft, mushy side of me hope that the 'big romantic gesture' is still alive in the world):


Harry: I've been doing a lot of thinking. And the thing is, I love you.

Sally: What?

Harry: I love you.

Sally: How do you expect me to respond to this?

Harry: How about you love me too?

Sally: How about I'm leaving.

Harry: Doesn't what I said mean anything to you?

Sally: I'm sorry Harry, I know it's New Years Eve, I know you're feeling lonely, but you just can't show up here, tell me you love me and expect that to make everything alright. It doesn't work this way.

Harry: Well how does it work?

Sally: I don't know but not this way.

Harry: Well how about this way: I love that you get cold when it's seventy one degrees out, I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich, I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts, I love that after I spend a day with you I can still smell your perfume on my clothes and I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Years Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of the life to start as soon as possible.

Sally: You see, that is just like you Harry. You say things like that and you make it impossible for me to hate you. And I hate you Harry... I really hate you. I hate you.


And the clock chimes midnight.
And they kiss.
And they live happily ever after.


And so, here I am on New Year's Eve: wearing the traditional red underwear (Italian good luck charm!), and wishing each and every one of you a very very Happy 2007.

May it bring you hope and love and laughter and big romantic gestures.
May it bring us all a world that's kinder, more responsible, more peaceful, more aware.

"You only get one life to live. And if you live it right, one should be enough. If not now, when?"

30 December 2006

"Come for dinner!"

Is what I said, casually and yet excitedly, to my friend il Cavaliere -- the closest thing I have to a guardian angel here -- my 'adopted Italian father,' as we refer to him. "Come, and bring your wife... we'll have drinks here, then go to Il Cacciatore for dinner, and have a wonderful night, our own version of New Year's Eve. Stay over and make a night of it in the countryside!"

And so it was a plan. Except, when you're the adopted daughter, 'the principessa,' as he refers to me, the plan is mostly out of your hands.

It should be noted at this point that Il Cavaliere is an amazing cook. He teaches! cooking lessons! for a living! No foolin', he knows his way around a kitchen - (like, as I have mentioned before, most Tuscan men that I know do.) And the reason that I invited them to dinner at Cacciatore is because... well, to be honest, the pressure of cooking for an Italian that teaches cooking lessons is just a LITTLE too much to take.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a pretty decent cook. To my knowledge I've never poisoned anyone, and plates usually get cleaned. I'd even say I'm a little adventurous - willing to scratch my head, squint at the fridge and available ingredients, and figure something out. Except I'm an AMERICAN cook. Here, there are specific ways things are done, and ways things are NOT done. And, as a non-Italian (no matter how many years I live here!), there are things that genetically they think we cannot do quite right. Even from region to region, or town to town WITHIN a region, the rules change. What one Italian teaches you may be sacrilege to another.

I heard a heated argument, for example, on whether or not rosemary is used in a traditional castagnaccio recipe. People from the Casentino mountains say yes, Florentines say no. Who can keep it all straight?!? You can see why I don't feel the need to toss *my* humble cuisine into centuries-old arguments.

So, the plan was set. They'd come Friday night.

Having made great time from the city, they arrived at 6, laden down with bags. Bottles of prosecco! Two jars of homemade sugo di anatra! (pasta sauce made from duck), fresh Pici pasta (my favorite!), A silver kettle, filled with traditional white beans that had been cooking all day, and a large butchers' package of the most beautiful pork chops I have ever seen.

Yes, they came for dinner ... bearing ... dinner.

'Ma, e' molto meglio mangiare a casa, e tutto gia' sono pronti' (But it's much better to eat at home! Everything is already ready!) was the explanation I got.

I smiled, hopelessly. Sometimes, it's just nice to be ... cooked for, taken care of.
My week had been pretty spectacularly lousy, though they would have no way of knowing that. And to have friends whirl in and bring dinner - well, sometimes, you don't know what you need until it arrives. And though I was just a little humiliated, I have learned that protesting when someone does something nice, from the heart, for you - even if it is rooted in a total lack of faith in your cooking ... well, to say anything other than a quiet thank you would be more than just a little rude.

And I said to myself, "Self: Say thank you." (I'm getting better at just saying 'thank you' when people do nice things for me.) "Show him where the flour and oil is kept. And shut up and drink your prosecco."

The pici with duck sauce was AMAZINGLY good. (The duck was leftover from what we didn't eat on Christmas day, pulled apart into shredded pieces and cooked with just a little bit of spices and a hint of tomato. Not gamey at all, just delicious. I'm getting braver cooking game, but not quite THAT good yet.) The pork chops - lightly floured, salted, peppered, and cooked in a wine reduction, were yummy - both yesterday AND today.

I sheepishly admit that we absolutely ate better than we would have at the restaurant, or if I had been cooking. Plus, I learned some new techniques, which I can try out on my AMERICAN friends... because I can dazzle Americans with my Italian cooking, but I have learned to leave the Italians to their own devices.

So the next time someone accepts a dinner invitation, and asks what they can bring, I highly recommend you say with a twinkle in your eye, "oh, heck ... Bring dinner! I think a pasta and a meat course would do quite nicely, thank you! Shall we say, six-ish?"

The Chameleon Mouse ponders her nest

Yes, kids, it's time for another adventure of the Chameleon Mouse! So settle in with a glass of something that makes you happy to drink, and sip away while we check in with our heroine. When we left her last, she was pondering what would be on the other side of that impending calendar page-turning. And as you all know, sometimes looking back can help you to look forward:

... 650 square feet, is what it was. The 'garden' apartment (read: half-basement) in a victorian row house in Washington, DC. (Barely out of shrapnel-scatter distance from the White House, she joked.) With original wooden floors, a teensy tiny (mouse-sized!) fireplace and fantabulous dentil molding, coated with years worth of paint and stories. It was a stopping point, a time-biding rental halfway between the suburban planned-community condo (that she had sold when the market was on the upswing) and the swanky urban loft with a floating bedroom and 12' ceilings and a full glass wall overlooking the hip urban restaurant district.

For two years, our mouse lived in that garden-basement, and planned every detail of that new condo: picked out the granite countertops, the slate tile in the glass-half-walled shower, the track lighting to showcase the artwork just-so on the walls, paid extra for the bamboo floor in the bedroom.

And yet, a different adventure pulled her away. By the time she closed on the swanky urban new-build condo that she had waited 2 1/2 years for ... her life was 5,000 miles away on a Tuscan hilltop. Not because it had always been her dream ... but rather, opportunity had knocked, and she answered.

The city mouse became a country mouse, almost overnight. And the house she lives in today, 350 years old, is a lifetime away from the swanky urban condo that she actually owns. And our chameleon is strangely comfortable in both. Two major moves in five years: suburbia to urban, urban to rural... during which our mouse's life has whittled itself down to only thirteen boxes. And it is fascinating that so many of the things that were in those boxes coming from the US to Italy will not be the same things that leave here. No, these 20 months have changed our mouse, irretrievably.

A glance around the farmhouse today reveals much about her character:

Utilitarian and well-made cooking implements, close at hand in a kitchen made to cook in. Pots and pans hanging from the ceiling, collections of graters and knives, wooden spoons and cutting boards at the ready.

Expensive, luxurious bedsheets and giant, plush bathtowels.

A small but meaningful collection of books.

Black and white photography and etchings, of places she has traveled.

Boxes and boxes of spare wine glasses and candles; running out of either is tantamount to sacrilege.

Photographs of friends; memories of laughter and experiences and a slightly-disturbing chronology of a lifetime of hairstyles.

Her accessory weaknesses: a few too many pairs of strappy shoes, silver bracelets, and an ever-growing collection of Italian scarves.

Seven pairs of garden and work gloves, and two pairs of workboots.

Bagfuls of suits and 'fussy corporate clothes' and handbags of varying colors, ready to be donated to friends or charity.

An entire shelf of travel maps and guidebooks, two computers.

Yes, a glance around this farmhouse reveals that our chameleon mouse has almost gotten her life down to a size sufficient that she could toss it in a knapsack on a moment's notice and hit the road with it: today, she owns just the things that really matter. We all know that too much baggage prevents mice - particularly of the chameleon variety - from being able to jump when life beckons.

And as she sits, staring at 2007 on the calendar ... she ponders the concept of home:

'home is not a place, it is people.' (L.M. Bujold)

'wherever I lay my hat, that's my home.' (Marvin Gaye) (Paul Young)

'home is where the heart is' (general wisdom)


And she straightens up and looks closely and carefully at her reflection in the antique mirror. When it comes right down to it, her clear, starburst-flecked green eyes cannot lie to her.

Riddle me this, Mouse: If you don't want to be the type of mouse that's always on the roam... then is your hat today really laid where your heart is?

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27 December 2006

Pensieri

Pensieri is the Italian word for 'little gifts.' Technically translated, it comes from pensare, the verb 'to think' ... so I always think of them as "little thinking of yous".

When I come back from a trip, for example, I bring a pensiero to the woman who feeds Sisi.

This time of the year, pensieri are everywhere. And what's amazing is that even the smallest of businesses have logo-printed pensieri (usually boxed up/gift wrapped) to give out to their customers.

I went around, a few days before Christmas, with plates of homemade chocolate-drizzled shortbread to give to my friends, the folks in my everyday life who make my life easier, who are kind to me. And in exchange, I was laden down with ... pensieri from them:

A thermometer from the gas station
A lottery ticket from the tabaccaio where I buy my phone cards
A keychain from the pizza parlor
A picture frame and calendar from the coffee shop near the office
A combination lighter AND laser pointer from the coffee shop at the piazza, offered with a glass of prosecco on Christmas eve.
A poinsettia from the florist, "so your table is dressed" (!)
A longstemmed red rose from my friend who runs the gift shop
A tub of conditioner from the hairdresser
A bottle of wine from my local restaurant
A hunk of finocchiona salame from the butcher
2 jars of blackberry jam and 2 jars of porcini trifolata from my cleaning woman
A bottle of homemade vin santo from the man who helps with my yard.

It's rather nice, actually. I have to admit that I WAS a little afraid that Christmas this year, far from those I love, would feel empty. And instead I have a whole stack of 'thinking of mes' given to me from my adopted village family.

Sometimes, it really truly is the little things.

It is a much, much simpler life here, to be sure. And harder in many ways, I will not lie to you. The romanticized version of 'under the tuscan sun' is just that - romanticized. But I came here to become a part of something different, to learn what it had to teach. And ... while it doesn't seem like much, that list of pensieri means more in total than its individual pieces: in sum, it is the gift of being accepted as 'one of them' - although I arrived a complete stranger.

Acceptance. Acknowledgement.

THAT, my friends, is worth more than anything I can think of that would have been wrapped under my tree this year.



PS: speaking of pensieri... I offer a quiet and reverent bow of my head to those of you who took the time to visit here over the past week, who left comments or sent emails -- some long-time friends, other whom I have never met. While I love writing If Not Now, When? for the sake of my own diary, part of the gift of this journey is that people have appreciated what I share about it. Thank you, for taking the time to let me know that it means something to you, that it encourages or entertains you, that it gives you a glimpse into a life that you may want someday or an escape from the life that you have. It was a delightful, unexpected gift to hear from all of you.

24 December 2006

Aspettando per Babbo Natale

English speakers call him Santa Claus, Italians call him 'Babbo Natale' - literally, Father Christmas (I think actually a slightly-more-affectionate, 'daddy christmas' ... which makes sense, I mean, any man sneaking into our rooms in the middle of the night we should be somewhat affectionate with, right?)


It's Christmas eve, and instead of waiting alone for Babbo Natale to appear down my chimney, I decided to take matters into my own hands and give myself a shot of christmas spirit by going to town to stroll and take in the lights. I was pleasantly surprised - even though it's Sunday - to find all the shops open and the town square bustling. The weather couldn't have been more cooperative - a crystal-clear, starry night, with just a bit of chill in the air. I had seen advertisements for a party held in the main street, by the local ambulance squad, for children - face painting, balloon animals - while the entire group waits for Babbo Natale's arrival: 'down the clock tower'.

Indeed, there was a whole gaggle of the town's children gathered, hopped up on all sorts of sugar and anticipation, being led in songs and games by one of the paramedics on a microphone, including plenty of 'have you been good, little girl?' interviews. And at the appointed time (5:30), he had the crowd of little voices count down and then yell up at the clock tower: "come down, Babbo Natale!" and "we're waiting, Babbo Natale" and of course, "we love you, Babbo Natale!" That last one got him, apparently ... and sure enough, Babbo Natale himself he stuck his head over the edge of the clocktower, maybe 6? stories in the air?, and waved and ho-ho-ho'd at everyone.


And then, just as promised ... he came down the clock tower. By rapelling. WITH his present-laden sacks. Sprinkling candy and glitter down at the crowd waiting below as he made his descent. Color me VERY impressed.


I had a perfect ringside seat for the action, sipping a glass of prosecco, at Mauro's cafe - where I sat next to his singing, dancing, automated Santa (he talked and sang in English, birds of a feather, you know). While I'm not much for the Christmas spirit this year, it was pretty sweet to hear all the little voices. One young girl, when asked on the microphone ... "what do you want to say to Babbo Natale?' said very clearly and plaintively: 'Scendi subito, Babbo Natale!' (Come down right away, Santa!!)



Santa then proceeded to call out every child's name, one at a time, and give them their personalized present (no doubt having been provided in advance by their parents, but ... since I didn't see THAT part of the system, maybe I'd just like to believe in Christmas magic.)

2 glasses of Prosecco later, my Christmas spirit suitably reinvigorated, I made my rounds through town, wishing 'auguri' (regards!) and 'buon natale' to my friends in the shops in town.
A stop at the church to light a candle, with a quiet and simple prayer of thanks that my loved ones are safe this holiday, and I headed back up the hill, to curl up in front of my fireplace and spend a quiet Christmas eve.


Christmas eve will find me, where the love light gleams ... yes, I'll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams.

The very best gift

On Christmas eve, when D.S. and I were young, we got to pick a story out of the big Norman Rockwell Christmas book and have it read to us (or, as we got older, to read ourselves.) Being far away from extended family, it was just the four of us ... and so we created our own traditions. The story was one of them. The 'pass the present' during the reading of 'Twas The Night Before Christmas was another, the snow guess competition, the opening of the brown boxes that had come from far away.

Tonight, in a twinge of holiday memories, I sit in front of my fireplace and read one of my very favorite stories: the story of giving from the heart, of what real love means. I wish it for each and every one of you, this Christmas and always.


THE GIFT OF THE MAGI
by O. Henry

One dollar and eighty-seven cents. That was all. And sixty cents of it was in pennies. Pennies saved one and two at a time by bulldozing the grocer and the vegetable man and the butcher until one's cheeks burned with the silent imputation of parsimony that such close dealing implied. Three times Della counted it. One dollar and eighty- seven cents. And the next day would be Christmas.

There was clearly nothing to do but flop down on the shabby little couch and howl. So Della did it. Which instigates the moral reflection that life is made up of sobs, sniffles, and smiles, with sniffles predominating.

While the mistress of the home is gradually subsiding from the first stage to the second, take a look at the home. A furnished flat at $8 per week. It did not exactly beggar description, but it certainly had that word on the lookout for the mendicancy squad.

In the vestibule below was a letter-box into which no letter would go, and an electric button from which no mortal finger could coax a ring. Also appertaining thereunto was a card bearing the name "Mr. James Dillingham Young."

The "Dillingham" had been flung to the breeze during a former period of prosperity when its possessor was being paid $30 per week. Now, when the income was shrunk to $20, though, they were thinking seriously of contracting to a modest and unassuming D. But whenever Mr. James Dillingham Young came home and reached his flat above he was called "Jim" and greatly hugged by Mrs. James Dillingham Young, already introduced to you as Della. Which is all very good.

Della finished her cry and attended to her cheeks with the powder rag. She stood by the window and looked out dully at a gray cat walking a gray fence in a gray backyard. Tomorrow would be Christmas Day, and she had only $1.87 with which to buy Jim a present. She had been saving every penny she could for months, with this result. Twenty dollars a week doesn't go far. Expenses had been greater than she had calculated. They always are. Only $1.87 to buy a present for Jim. Her Jim. Many a happy hour she had spent planning for something nice for him. Something fine and rare and sterling--something just a little bit near to being worthy of the honor of being owned by Jim.

There was a pier-glass between the windows of the room. Perhaps you have seen a pier-glass in an $8 flat. A very thin and very agile person may, by observing his reflection in a rapid sequence of longitudinal strips, obtain a fairly accurate conception of his looks. Della, being slender, had mastered the art.

Suddenly she whirled from the window and stood before the glass. her eyes were shining brilliantly, but her face had lost its color within twenty seconds. Rapidly she pulled down her hair and let it fall to its full length.

Now, there were two possessions of the James Dillingham Youngs in which they both took a mighty pride. One was Jim's gold watch that had been his father's and his grandfather's. The other was Della's hair. Had the queen of Sheba lived in the flat across the airshaft, Della would have let her hair hang out the window some day to dry just to depreciate Her Majesty's jewels and gifts. Had King Solomon been the janitor, with all his treasures piled up in the basement, Jim would have pulled out his watch every time he passed, just to see him pluck at his beard from envy.

So now Della's beautiful hair fell about her rippling and shining like a cascade of brown waters. It reached below her knee and made itself almost a garment for her. And then she did it up again nervously and quickly. Once she faltered for a minute and stood still while a tear or two splashed on the worn red carpet.

On went her old brown jacket; on went her old brown hat. With a whirl of skirts and with the brilliant sparkle still in her eyes, she fluttered out the door and down the stairs to the street.

Where she stopped the sign read: "Mne. Sofronie. Hair Goods of All Kinds." One flight up Della ran, and collected herself, panting. Madame, large, too white, chilly, hardly looked the "Sofronie."

"Will you buy my hair?" asked Della.

"I buy hair," said Madame. "Take yer hat off and let's have a sight at the looks of it."

Down rippled the brown cascade.

"Twenty dollars," said Madame, lifting the mass with a practised hand.

"Give it to me quick," said Della.

Oh, and the next two hours tripped by on rosy wings. Forget the hashed metaphor. She was ransacking the stores for Jim's present.

She found it at last. It surely had been made for Jim and no one else. There was no other like it in any of the stores, and she had turned all of them inside out. It was a platinum fob chain simple and chaste in design, properly proclaiming its value by substance alone and not by meretricious ornamentation--as all good things should do. It was even worthy of The Watch. As soon as she saw it she knew that it must be Jim's. It was like him. Quietness and value--the description applied to both. Twenty-one dollars they took from her for it, and she hurried home with the 87 cents. With that chain on his watch Jim might be properly anxious about the time in any company. Grand as the watch was, he sometimes looked at it on the sly on account of the old leather strap that he used in place of a chain.

When Della reached home her intoxication gave way a little to prudence and reason. She got out her curling irons and lighted the gas and went to work repairing the ravages made by generosity added to love. Which is always a tremendous task, dear friends--a mammoth task.

Within forty minutes her head was covered with tiny, close-lying curls that made her look wonderfully like a truant schoolboy. She looked at her reflection in the mirror long, carefully, and critically.

"If Jim doesn't kill me," she said to herself, "before he takes a second look at me, he'll say I look like a Coney Island chorus girl. But what could I do--oh! what could I do with a dollar and eighty- seven cents?"

At 7 o'clock the coffee was made and the frying-pan was on the back of the stove hot and ready to cook the chops.

Jim was never late. Della doubled the fob chain in her hand and sat on the corner of the table near the door that he always entered. Then she heard his step on the stair away down on the first flight, and she turned white for just a moment. She had a habit for saying little silent prayer about the simplest everyday things, and now she whispered: "Please God, make him think I am still pretty."

The door opened and Jim stepped in and closed it. He looked thin and very serious. Poor fellow, he was only twenty-two--and to be burdened with a family! He needed a new overcoat and he was without gloves.

Jim stopped inside the door, as immovable as a setter at the scent of quail. His eyes were fixed upon Della, and there was an expression in them that she could not read, and it terrified her. It was not anger, nor surprise, nor disapproval, nor horror, nor any of the sentiments that she had been prepared for. He simply stared at her fixedly with that peculiar expression on his face.

Della wriggled off the table and went for him.

"Jim, darling," she cried, "don't look at me that way. I had my hair cut off and sold because I couldn't have lived through Christmas without giving you a present. It'll grow out again--you won't mind, will you? I just had to do it. My hair grows awfully fast. Say `Merry Christmas!' Jim, and let's be happy. You don't know what a nice-- what a beautiful, nice gift I've got for you."

"You've cut off your hair?" asked Jim, laboriously, as if he had not arrived at that patent fact yet even after the hardest mental labor.

"Cut it off and sold it," said Della. "Don't you like me just as well, anyhow? I'm me without my hair, ain't I?"

Jim looked about the room curiously.

"You say your hair is gone?" he said, with an air almost of idiocy.

"You needn't look for it," said Della. "It's sold, I tell you--sold and gone, too. It's Christmas Eve, boy. Be good to me, for it went for you. Maybe the hairs of my head were numbered," she went on with sudden serious sweetness, "but nobody could ever count my love for you. Shall I put the chops on, Jim?"

Out of his trance Jim seemed quickly to wake. He enfolded his Della. For ten seconds let us regard with discreet scrutiny some inconsequential object in the other direction. Eight dollars a week or a million a year--what is the difference? A mathematician or a wit would give you the wrong answer. The magi brought valuable gifts, but that was not among them. This dark assertion will be illuminated later on.

Jim drew a package from his overcoat pocket and threw it upon the table.

"Don't make any mistake, Dell," he said, "about me. I don't think there's anything in the way of a haircut or a shave or a shampoo that could make me like my girl any less. But if you'll unwrap that package you may see why you had me going a while at first."

White fingers and nimble tore at the string and paper. And then an ecstatic scream of joy; and then, alas! a quick feminine change to hysterical tears and wails, necessitating the immediate employment of all the comforting powers of the lord of the flat.

For there lay The Combs--the set of combs, side and back, that Della had worshipped long in a Broadway window. Beautiful combs, pure tortoise shell, with jewelled rims--just the shade to wear in the beautiful vanished hair. They were expensive combs, she knew, and her heart had simply craved and yearned over them without the least hope of possession. And now, they were hers, but the tresses that should have adorned the coveted adornments were gone.

But she hugged them to her bosom, and at length she was able to look up with dim eyes and a smile and say: "My hair grows so fast, Jim!"

And them Della leaped up like a little singed cat and cried, "Oh, oh!"

Jim had not yet seen his beautiful present. She held it out to him eagerly upon her open palm. The dull precious metal seemed to flash with a reflection of her bright and ardent spirit.

"Isn't it a dandy, Jim? I hunted all over town to find it. You'll have to look at the time a hundred times a day now. Give me your watch. I want to see how it looks on it."

Instead of obeying, Jim tumbled down on the couch and put his hands under the back of his head and smiled.

"Dell," said he, "let's put our Christmas presents away and keep 'em a while. They're too nice to use just at present. I sold the watch to get the money to buy your combs. And now suppose you put the chops on."

The magi, as you know, were wise men--wonderfully wise men--who brought gifts to the Babe in the manger. They invented the art of giving Christmas presents. Being wise, their gifts were no doubt wise ones, possibly bearing the privilege of exchange in case of duplication. And here I have lamely related to you the uneventful chronicle of two foolish children in a flat who most unwisely sacrificed for each other the greatest treasures of their house. But in a last word to the wise of these days let it be said that of all who give gifts these two were the wisest. O all who give and receive gifts, such as they are wisest. Everywhere they are wisest. They are the magi.

23 December 2006

Mmmmm, it must be ... eau de fume

My brand new blackberry/cellphone had a meltdown last week. Though I do generally have a bad aura with all things electrical, 40 days from out of the box to totally dysfunctional is a new record. It MUST have been defective from the start (that's my story, and I'm sticking to it.)

So I packed it, lovingly, up into a small box, nestled with a bunch of styrofoam wrap, and send it back to HQ at ye-ole-day-job, via FedEx ('when it absolutely, positively, has to be there... in four days, we hope.'), into the hands of my emminently useful tech dude, who we call Doc.

Doc instant-messaged me upon its arrival, to say that when he opened the box, it smelled "all smoky and rustic... "

At which point I realized that either he's got the nose of a bloodhound or ... EVERYTHING I OWN (which isn't a whole lot) smells like I just came home from the Girl Scout Jamboree. This is the danger of the giant fireplace that's used not just for ambiance, but for actual heat. I suppose here, everyone is kind of immune ... every house has an open fireplace or two, burning from dawn 'til well past dusk every day. But if after 4 days in transit, 2 little pieces of styrofoam were still so pungent, then I'm sure every piece of clothing I own has been completely permeated.

On the long list of qualities that Mr. Right should have: I clearly need to add "gets turned on by the smell of campfires."

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22 December 2006

Best firestarter EVER

The waxy paper wrapping from the six giant hunks of butter you used to make holiday shortbread for all your friends in town.

I'm just saying: Try it. One at a time, though, if you think eyebrows will be as hip and in-fashion in 2007 as they were in 2006.

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Imported goodness

Each time I return from a trip to the States, I stick a few things in my suitcase that are hard-verging-on-impossible to find here in Italy; you've heard me babble on in almost mythical reverence of Bounce dryer sheets and Advil. Often, friends make requests: N.Terza asked for a specific brand of deodorant and REAL orville redenbacher popcorn on my last go-round.

As for me, my secret imports have recently been:
Reese sliced water chestnuts
Lipton beefy onion soup mix
Memphis BBQ sauce
Nestle tollhouse chocolate chips
... and a bag of real pecans (that cost less than an arm and a leg)

That bag of pecans became the fodder for dinner last night. The recipe originally came from Judith in Umbria's "cooking in a rental house" cookbook. She is a world-class chef, and that download is pretty much her equivalent of 'cooking for dummies'... which is right about my level! Some of my favorite staples have come from there.

In America, I never dreamed of all the amazing things that could be done with pasta, I was sort of middle-of-the-road boring red and pesto sauces over there. And so, hoping to inspire you to do something different tonight, here's the recipe... and the best part is that including time to cook the pasta, it shouldn't take more than 15 minutes to fix (once your water is boiling!)

280 g / 10 oz. penne pasta
large pot of water
small handful of salt
1 TBSP olive oil
small onion, finely chopped
couple handfuls of pecans (I went heavy ... surprise, surprise!)
8 oz / 250 g sweet/mild gorgonzola cheese, broken or cut into smallish pieces (important not to get a blue cheese that's too spicy... stay mild/sweet).

Start the pasta water to boil ... when the water is boiling, add the salt and the pasta, stir.

In a heavy frying pan, heat the oil, add onion -- cooking it slowly until softened (I add a pinch of salt here, too.) Add the pecans and stir about to toast and crisp them. Add the broken up cheese to the fried onions and pecans, stirring to melt. Add a ladle of the pasta cooking water ito the pan to make the sauce creamier (pasta should be about finished when you do this, and quite firm.) Drain the pasta, and toss it into the frying pan stirring to coat the pasta with sauce. Taste for salt and correct if necessary - some cheeses are naturally saltier than others, so you can't tell ahead whether you'll need it or not. Serve immediately, steaming hot!

NOTE: this is a fast sauce. You can't make it ahead, and you don't want to cook it too long. It doesn't reheat well.

Judith says this serves three as a main course, though I think she's crazy ... while my measurements weren't quite exact, I'd say that in American portions this serves 2. (Or maybe I just have a bigger appetite than most?!) Double it for a larger gang, obviously!

Buon appetito!

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21 December 2006

The chameleon mouse

UBlend mused about 'his' version of the witch on the forest path (which sounded suspiciously something like a character in the Devil Wears Prada ... a black leather-clad gorgeous platinum blonde sipping a martini... wait, UBlend, you have me confused with Virgin Blogger!!!)

But, yes, that reminded me that there IS this crazy dichotomy in my life:

I am equal parts urban chic, globetrotting, corporate, martini-sipping professional, and bluejean-and-bandanna-wearing, firewood stacking, simple-pasta-making, local-wine-sipping, hiking in the hills, wilderness girl. Part country mouse, part city mouse, as the fable goes.

18 months ago this city mouse moved to the country, a hilltop in the middle of nowhere - where I neither spoke the language nor knew another person - not at all certain what I would find. And I was as shocked-to-my-socks as much as anyone that what I found was a part of my soul, one that had been missing for a long time. And with that piece in place, my spirit is truly at peace; perhaps for the first time in my adult life. Sometimes, you don't know exactly what's not right until a missing piece arrives and nestles in, making itself quite at home in your heart: Stealthy, how life sneaks up on you while you're making other plans.

And as my giant Tuscan fireplace crackles behind me, and my neighbor's delicious 1.80-a-liter 'table wine' Chianti sloshes in my glass, I know without a doubt that the country life suits me quite well, better than I myself could have ever even expected. I did 'come to the woods because I wished to live deliberately,' and that, I am. There is an inexplicable comfort that I have found here in the deliberateness and purposefulness of life, as both a stranger and a local simultaneously on this hilltop. And it has changed me, forever. This "pioneerwoman" side of me shocks the hell out of my DC corporate friends, I imagine, who wouldn't recognize me in my old barn coat, workboots, and leather gloves.

No, I haven't lost my taste for swanky martinis and sassy high-heeled shoes, and I do still love a fabulous day at the spa... or being waited on hand-and-foot at a 5-star resort. Except, well... that was usually someone else's money and influence, never my own. And I have to admit, it all seemed a little hollow, even then.

Here, in the countryside, it's just me. My own sweat and tears. My own kindness and energies. My own generosity of spirit, my own honesty with myself. My own cleverness or fortitude or stupidity. My own fear and anger. My own planning - or failure to do so, self-reliance is equal parts frustrating and rewarding. My own ability to learn to ask for help, to know where resources can be found and use them wisely. The life lessons here are astounding, when you can be still enough to listen to them. Once I 'got over myself' and stripped away the years of well-hardened veneers that prevent connection; opening myself to lessons and possibility.

It's amazing what you can hear when there's no background noise of chaos.

I find now that I am a chameleon of sorts - a little bit country mouse, and a little bit city mouse. I know it is in-between where my "disagio" (imbalance) arises: I am NOT, by any measure, a suburbanite mouse (not that there's anything WRONG with that!)

And so I stare down the path into the unknown: the daunting annual page-turning on the calendar, and I can't help but wonder ...

Where will our heroine mouse's next adventure lead?
(And more importantly, what will she be wearing?!?!)
Can she find a life that will balance the two?
Is she brave enough to try??
Is there a trap ahead?
Does she find another like-minded mouse?

The crystal ball is foggy ... (or maybe that's the wine talking?)

Tune in next week - (same bat-time, same bat-channel,) for more Adventures of the Chameleon Mouse!

Yes, 2007 should be veeeeeery interesting. There's a vicious wind whipping the hilltop tonight. I suspect it's the wind of change.

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20 December 2006

Oh, the horror of it all...

Italy has a notably less-commercial approach to Christmas than the US. Of course, there are sales and promotions and all that, but they don't start at Halloween ... (rather, after the Immacolata). All the towns seem to be decked out in holiday finery (pics of my darling, lit up town square coming when the sun comes out) ... but generally, I would say things are more tasteful and traditional here: Live trees. White lights. Simple mistletoe and holly bunches. The houses are all a bit ... spartan. With the cost of electricity, it's mostly a random string of lights or two to indicate festivity but frugality (noone would want to appear to be 'out of step' with their neighbors!) My own house has one very sweet string of white lights, swagged decoratively across the front porch. Generally, a very old-fashioned holiday feel, by comparison to the loud displays I have seen in American yards and stores.

And then, driving into Siena last week for lunch, I saw it:

A GARGANTUAN INFLATABLE SANTA, opening his sack, on a rooftop. And it was clearly an Italian invention; as his sack had "Buone Feste" written on it.

My eyes are burning.

It was, to be fair, sitting atop a hotel catering to tourists. But STILL. Agony.

18 December 2006

On Fate

There are magical places in my life that hold special memories; places that I love to return to and feel ... content. Like my life is as it is supposed to be, that things make sense. They are talismans, these places, and they weave together the as-yet-unfinished story of my life, following possibility. Going where doors open, learning to listen to my heart.

To name a few of these places: my fireplace here in Tuscany. The fainting couch at Weavers' Cottage. The island of St. John. My mother's balcony. A diveboat on the Great Barrier Reef in North Queensland. A bowling alley in Kentucky. The block I grew up on and the playground at my old elementary school. A cabin in the foothills of the Sierra Nevadas. Behind main stage at my hometown's summer festival. The crazy hotdog stand near my old highschool...

And the Round Robin Bar at the Willard Hotel in Washington, DC. For all its stuffiness and crazy over-priced drinks, some of my favorite Washington memories were made in that bar: Martinis with the girls. Bourbon with Mr. Big. Bloody Marys on Sunday mornings. Sitting with Beamer, when he looked at me and said, "oh my god, you're in love with him, aren't you?" And New Year's Day 2005 with UBlend, when he threatened to make the entire bar sing 'The Hills Are Alive'.

UBlend returned 10 days ago to that same bar, and penned this poem ... which he sent to me today, an early Christmas gift, reminding me that life just ... is. Choose it, embrace it, live it to the fullest: you get only one.


Fate


Fate happens,
Sometimes unnoticed,
Many times unassuming,
Always for a reason.

It can be overwhelming,
Breathless,
With a rush,
Almost with a tinge of fear

It can be overlooked
Innocently,
With no thought,
All together a non-event.

It is real,
Powerful,
With unexpected consequences,
Never with full disclosure.

Fate happens,
We can see it or we can ignore it,
It changes our world,
It changes our lives.

17 December 2006

Misteriosa!

A voice carries a looooooong way on clear day in open land in the quiet countryside.

This afternoon, a beautiful clear sunny one ... too warm to really be early winter ... I set off to follow what was a loud grouping of voices, clearly on my land. They were neither moving nor hunting, just ... carrying on.

And so, in need of a hike anyway, I headed down the drive... through the field... and onto the large path heading down into the forest. An old Roman road, this is the secluded local footpath that knowledgeable hikers and hunters (animal and mushroom alike) take down the 'mountain,' and while it is technically on my land it is 'public domain' for purposeful access.

Halfway down the drive, Sisi (short for Cecelia, pronounced see-see), the darling little sister of sweet Max the cat, was following along. I stopped to greet her, and she jumped from the ground up into my arms and nuzzled into my shoulder, her clingy sign that she wanted affection. And so we walked, Sisi and I ... across the field, into the forest.

(You've never seen a cat spend an hour hiking on a person's shoulder, have you? Then you haven't met Sisi. She was obviously a pirate's parrot in a former life. Which makes me either the pirate or his wench, I guess. But she loves me, nonetheless.)

As we followed down the winding, rocky, picturesque path (really, I must go and snap a few images so you can see what I mean)... we grew closer to those loud carrying voices. I guessed them to be a crew of very young hunters on a break, judging from their dress. I found it refreshing that they weren't playing video games somewhere, as unnerved as I was by the size *(5) and presence of their group on my land. I had no argument with them, just a woman out for a walk on my land. As Sisi and I strolled past, like any human on a secluded wooded path would, we ... drew attention.

Smiles and polite 'buongiorno's were exchanged.

Sisi and I went on our way.

When we doubled back, 20 minutes later or so ... knowing we would pass the same group, I reflected on the strangeness of it all. Perhaps they knew who I was, and perhaps not ... it's a small town, but the young people are not as connected. Perhaps they could tell I was not Italian. Either way, I knew that the oddity of a single woman in a long black coat and leather work gloves strolling through their patch of forest with a black cat on her shoulder was certainly comment-worthy.

As we headed back to the voices, with only the slightest bit of trepidation, I knew it was my situation to manage, as the 'elder' in the group.

I smiled coyly; distractedly as we approached the area, my right hand petting Sisi, perched on my left shoulder.

I never broke my stride as I passed... not wanting to encourage interaction, and yet ... knowing I could not ignore them; these others on my secluded forest path.

"Siamo tornati" (We've returned...) I said, when one met my eyes.
Ben tornata... (welcome back), one of the more outspoken ones said.
"Grazie."... (Thanks.)

and then, one of them had the courage to break ranks...

"Ma, chi sei? Una vicina?" (Who are you? Do you live nearby?)

I had my answer already planned, knowing their curiosity would have gotten to them, and knowing it was my one opportunity to disarm any potential for mischief:

"aaaah, Chi lo sa? Forse solo una strega ... ma speriamo che avete una buona caccia"

("Aaaah, who knows? Maybe I'm only a witch .... but we hope you have a good hunt")

And we walked on, Sisi and I, first to stunned silence.

Finally ... "Grazie! Buona serata!!" (thanks, have a good afternoon!) called after me.

Italians are pretty superstitious. Whether they had a good hunt, or a bad hunt, I'm sure they think I was responsible. I'm happy either way, and I'm DEFINITELY not getting messed with.

Aaaaah, it's nice to be mysterious. In any language.

15 December 2006

Just under three hours...

... since I'm sure you're wondering ... Is how long it takes one average-size woman with relatively small but mighty hands to stack 4 cubic meters (just over 141 cubic feet, according to my handy online conversion chart) of firewood.

Stacked in three separate locations, including 1/4 of it hauled up a full flight of stairs.

That's a looooooot of wood. Yes, I could have paid someone to do it ... (30Euros, to be exact), but stubborn, independent, and frugal me then would not have NEARLY the sense of satisfaction I do now, as I sit, dosed up on Advil and sipping a glass of wine, letting my hair dry in front of the most satisfying, blazing and crackling fire I think I've ever built.

My lower back and right thumb seem to have taken the most abuse. (My hand-wingspan, as it were, not quuuiiiiite wide enough for some of the logs.)

By the way, if you're out of stocking-stuffer ideas for friends, I highly recommend a really, really good pair of nice LEATHER workgloves that actually FIT. Mine are lifesavers.

I had a discussion with a friend recently about whether or not I would be able to build my own cabin in the woods (not 'shelter,' but actual cabin). I finally conceded that perhaps, from scratch, I might not be able to pull that entire task off without help, even WITH my beloved gloves and good tools. But when that cabin is needin' firewood stacked? Yeah, baby: I'm your girl.

Lost in translation

My Italian is pretty darn good for the basics; getting things accomplished: I can make appointments, conduct transactions, follow commands with the best of them. I no longer have to translate the words in my head when someone responds to me; I can think in Italian, which is a huge accomplishment.

Or so I thought.

When I had a problem with the well pump this week, I called Roberto the plumber, who I see at least 3 times a year for random things (love the old house with old plumbing reality). Roberto told me clearly, "I can come Wednesday or Thursday evening, I'll call and let you know for sure."

Which APPARENTLY I should have translated as, "I'm going to show up at the crack of dawn on Friday and wake you from a sound sleep by banging on the bedroom window and scaring the hell out of you."

Hmmmmm. My studies haven't yet progressed to the tense of verbs that means "sometime in the undetermined future, at a point not at all what I tell you it will be". How very Italian.

I can already tell, I'm going to be just a little off-kilter all day. And I'm expecting a wood delivery at noon ... or at least I THINK I am. Perhaps the wood man speaks in the surprise-future tense, too.

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13 December 2006

My father's daughter.

It hits me at the strangest of times, grief over the death of my father, who has been gone for nearly a decade. The triggers are varied ... a joke, a phrase, a long-unused nickname, a song (invariably country/western).

Today, it was by the side of the road.

The telltale loud flapping noise coming from my right rear tire was what made me pull over on the windy hillside road. I said a silent prayer of thanks that it wasn't raining. I groaned in frustration, cars whipping past me on the curve. As I slammed on my emergency brake, I admit that I bit my lip and choked back angry, hot tears. Add this to a list of things, damnit (hit the steering wheel here), that I just didn't need this week.



As I pulled myself together, taking a deep if shaky breath, I cursed under my breath and reminded myself that above all else, I AM my father's daughter.

The father who, when I was fifteen and a half years old, made me stand out in the front driveway of our house and change the tire on the car what felt like twenty times but was probably only three. He taught me how to loosen the lug nuts by putting the weight of my foot (and/or whole body) on the wrench-thingy (technical term), BEFORE jacking the car up (a critical move).

And as I went through the motions today, angrily brushing my hair away from my face, my hands icy cold and filthy in the way only tire grease can get them, I laughed through my tears.

Thanks, Dad. You raised a girl who became a good balance of handy, hearty, and feminine. Who likes to have her toenails painted and doors opened for her, drinks champagne as easily as a beer, and who can change her own flat tire in any roadside condition. Who CAN do it herself, even if she'd rather not. Independent and skilled enough to not be stranded, and yet still soft enough to wish someone was there to help.

My father did not, on the other hand, raise a brilliant linguist, evidenced as I talked in circles to the mechanic at the garage because I didn't know the expression for "flat". But at least by then, my grease monkey hands and I were laughing. Because us girls were also raised with an "I will get through this" outlook on life, and a damn good sense of humor to boot.

Bad ideas

Do not grocery shop when you're hungry.
Do not bathing suit shop when you're leaving for the beach in an hour.

And do not realize, at 10 pm at night, that you haven't eaten anything since toast and cappuccino when you've been cooped up working next to the fireplace all day. When you finally stand up, you will be ravenous and just a little dizzy (at least partially from the smoke fumes). You will pour yourself a giant glass of 2-euro-a-liter-Chianti and proceed to snack your way through an entire bowl of walnuts (from your neighbors' tree) while tossing a fresh pizza crust in the oven.

After 30 minutes, you will be halfway through your second (generous) glass of wine, tipsy from the hunger more than the alcohol, responding to an email with one hand, and burning the crap out of the roof of your mouth on the sausage and green olive pizza you threw together from the marginal fixins in your fridge.

You will have sliced the pizza haphazardly with scissors and be thankful there are no Italians peering in your windows. You will sprinkle too many peperoncino flakes and drizzle too much fresh "nuovo" olio onto said pizza, and you will reassure yourself that the grapes in the wine and the olives on the pizza must count as at least four "fruits and vegetables" for the day.

And you will swear to do better tomorrow by spending extra time with the really nice vegetable man during market day in the piazza.

Really, that's just exactly how it would go. Yup: a snapshot of a day in the Tuscan countryside; it's not always so pretty and Frances-Mayesy.

God, I can't believe I just wrote that. I'd better hit publish before I realize this is pretty much just like letting you all peer in my windows. ;>

12 December 2006

Moving Day

As a gorgeous, clear, colorful fall comes to an end, I knew it was coming. And today's the day.

I'm moving my office.

That is, from the bedroom to the living room.

This is one of those things that I would never even THINK of doing in America.

But here, there comes a point every year in the late fall/early winter when it's simply too f***ing cold (and really, that's as polite as I can POSSIBLY be) on the two outer walls to keep my office here, in the corner of the large master bedroom. Since I work nights, when it's coldest, the sign that it's time to move is when my fingers literally seize up on the keyboard. In America, I'd just turn up the thermostat. Here, that's a wallet-crippling decision, especially with the dollar doing so miserably against the Euro, and fuel and electrical costs here being nearly three times what they are in the states.

The heat of the day's sunshine is no longer enough to offset the long, dark nights and the the wind hitting the stone walls eventually seeps through into a pervasive, bone-chilling cold. The living room has an indoor wall, and a fireplace. And the major difference here is that heating fuel to keep the radiators running is about seventeen times more expensive than firewood. So it simply doesn't make sense for me to heat this entire damn house at about 500 Euros a month with heating oil and radiators, when just moving my entire 'nest' into the living room for a few months and keeping a log on the fire is just as effective and less than a quarter of the cost, if a little more effort.

It's that Little House on the Prairie in me, I guess, or the hopeless romantic: I'm kind of a fire addict, anyway. Cuddling up in front of a hot radiator simply doesn't have the same ambiance.

My remaining needs are pretty simple: if I only had a cabana boy to chop and haul wood and a computer screen resistant to hot flying embers, I'd be all set...

11 December 2006

Open mouth ... insert piedi

Living in a language you aren't totally comfortable in creates a level of psychic stress that it's hard to accurately explain.

Not being able to casually toss a reply to a question, approach a stranger with ease, or overhear what's taking place at the table next to you: it's the little things that make navigating daily life much more challenging.

It's turned me into a much more cautious person. I often apologize before I speak, occasionally pause too long in conversation, or stammer over my words, things formerly-confident me never did in English.

Just this week, I have consciously procrastinated on calling the plumber because I don't know the technical words to describe the pulsating of the electrical system when my well pump goes on, or how to say 'there's a leak in my bidet'. Even my friends I find it painful to talk on the phone with, for fear I will miss a critical word, like, oh, say ... "come with me to the (funeral before the) dinner party."

I had to physically psych myself up to call and ask Signor Padovanni to deliver my wood, knowing that he'll ask me how much I want, and that I'll be not sure how to measure ... cords, hundredweights, quintiles, rows... much less how to say ANY of that in Italian. I finally just tell him how much I want to spend and ask him to bring men to "put it in order" (because the word for 'stack' eludes me).

I realize that even with the amazing progress my Italian language has made that the dull, waxy buildup of this psychic stress on my subconscious is definitely taking a toll. Even in English, I find I hesitate more when I speak. As if now on instinct, I expect whenever I open my mouth that I will sound like a maleducated preschooler from Appalachia.

On the bright side, hesitating every now and again before opening my mouth might prevent me from inserting my own foot; a skill which I was occasionally just a bit tooooo proficient at back in the States. But being so clearly 'not from around here,' for now I still have the perfect Italian conversational get out of jail free card... though I think its expiration date is nearing, people are starting to think I actually know this stuff!

Oh, damn you, elusive past perfect subjunctive tense*!!!
*(to be fair, I think it eludes me in English, too.)

Is it possible to actually become DUMBER when you learn another language?

08 December 2006

In Honor of Sexually Frustrated Women Everywhere

I'm bound to offend someone here (what else is new?), but thank goodness I went to the grocery store yesterday, because today was yet another 'stealth holiday' here. They sneak up on me all the time. I'm sure people arriving in America think the same thing when we have, say, the ever-so-confusing Casmir Pulaski Day off (showing off my midwestern roots here). Whereas most American holidays have their roots in politics, most festa days here in Italy are church-based. Italy is still a fundamentally culturally religious country (birth of Catholicism and all that), although the majority of modern Italians are generally NOT practicing Catholics (or anything else that requires order and regulation). But, thousands of years of habits die hard and their culture is imbued and intertwined with the culture of the church, and besides - any excuse for a day off, right? And so it goes that EVERY day on my Italian calendar has the name of at least one saint's celebration attached to it. Today is red, meaning HOLIDAY!, and it's the Immacolata Concezione.

That reminds me of one of my favorite running jokes with the Old Soul, when I'm feeling hungover and queasy in the morning, usually on a road trip...

V: (turning a little green) "Oooooh. Not feeling so hot this morning. Maaaaaybe that last martini was a bad idea"
OS: "Then again, maybe you're pregnant"
V: "Oh, yeah. How f***ed up is the world if I'm the best candidate for the next immaculate conception?"


Cheers, Mary. This one's for you.


PS: I'm arguably decent at math, though I do keep PiGuy handy on my phone-a-friend list. But yasee, it's the 8th. And if memory serves, the birth of Jesus is celebrated on the 25th. Can any of my practicing religious friends out there enlighten me on what was obviously the worlds' shortest or longest human gestation period on record? Inquiring (if somewhat irreverent) minds ...