If not now, when?

One American woman. Twenty acres and a 1650 farmhouse in Tuscany. Random introspection and hilarity, depending on the day.

05 October 2006

An open letter

Dear World:

I know you're busy and all, but I'd like to ask a favor. Please, just for a moment, would you be able to stop spinning?

You see, it seems to me that I lost about 3 and a half weeks somewhere along the way, and I've never quite recovered. And so while you keep spinning, little ole' me stays perpetually about that far behind.

And I know I'm not the only one. 'Overwhelm' is one of the great hidden diseases plaguing our society. It creates tension and stress and general not-niceness. I've gotta say, (on behalf of all of us living here on your surface thusly plagued), that "feeling behind" - particularly irretriveably so - sucks giant hairy donkey balls, to coin a phrase.

As if it's not enough for you to have the gall to keep the sun rising and setting each day, you also seem to think it's fun to keep throwing curve balls at me:

Mysterious vicious insect bites.
Continuing visa problems.
Broken head gasket & radiator in the car.
No electricity.
Woman stealing my fennel.
A leak in my irrigation system.
No wood yet for winter.
An italian man who won't stop calling me.
Wild Boar rampage in the garden.
Dead WeedWhacker.
Shattered car window.
Hatchling fly infestation in the house.
A chance at true love, perfect and unexpected ... but complicated.
V.C.E.R.: Very Crappy Exchange Rate.
Mysterious & Unfixable phone problems.
Friends too far away to give me a hug.
A sink that won't stop leaking.
Broken computer AND printer.
A dying cat that I just can't help.

As if the curve balls weren't enough, there are still all the regular pitches that just keep coming:

That pesky 40-hour a week job that mysteriously has always sucked up between 60 and 80, even from this distance.
Except that at *this* distance, that's an invisible reality to the powers that be.
14 *@&%#$ tenses of verbs that I feel I'll never master.
The uncomfortable feeling of constantly counting on the kindness of strangers.
Interesting opportunities I don't quite know what to do with.
The perennial question of what's next.
Stacks of receipts, business cards, bills to be paid/filed/reimbursed.
Exercise that my body is begging to do before it becomes complete jello.
Neighbors who don't understand that I actually have to work for a living.
3 1/2 solid weeks of guests visiting.
Hours of time that vanish in great chunks into the void labeled: "deal with the airlines on the telephone."

Ya know what, World? Methinks I'm getting a little tired of being your catcher's mitt. But I'm also thinkin' ... maybe we're co-dependent here? I mean, I do keep doing it. You throw the curves; I catch and juggle the best I can, which - if I may say so myself, is pretty damn well. And maybe that's why you keep throwing. When I decide to stop catching, does the game change?

But it seems to me that rather than waiting for you to stop spinning and pitching, I might be well-served to just re-evaluate my priorities. Maybe it's not the constant catching that's killing me as much as the fact that I feel like I haven't had a chance to really hit one out of the park in a while. Maybe it's time for me to decide what I will stop catching, so I have time to step up to the plate and start swinging.

And then again ... maybe, just maybe, me running to catch whatever you're throwing at me puts me on the path I'm supposed to be on.

Hmmmmm, now there's a thought.

Serendipity. Synchronicity. Sovereignty.
Things that are supposed to happen, the timing of them, and the power to make choices.

And a little bit of decespugliatore. (weed whacker)

Okay, I'll give... Maybe it all does make a little bit of sense.

(Deep breath. Batter Up!)

But if you could just stop the spinning for a few weeks, that would work too.

Love, she-who-is-dizzy-from-the-spinning, but is on deck anyway, ready to take a swing.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow! I'm on overload just reading it. however here's what I zeroed in on and I quote "True love, perfect and unexpected ... but complicated"!

do tell more!!!

virgin blogger

12:44 PM  
Blogger Viaggiatore said...

VB: aaaah, I knew your eagle eyes wouldn't miss that. ;> But like hearing a bedtime story over breakfast, or a ghost story at lunchtime on a bright, sunny day: even though the stories might be the same, every one has just the right moment for the telling.

patience, grasshopper. -V.

2:07 PM  
Anonymous elle said...

Honey, honey, honey. Me think you think A LOT. And while you're thinking you forget to send up the flares that let others know that you need some long distance love and hugs (sounds like you have the short distance ones covered!!). Gotta put it out there BEFORE you feel like it's all crashing down around your ears!!! Sending you love!!

5:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, how much I understand. I'm in the midst of my little guy's second birthday party plans and while I'm trying not to get stressed about a two-year-olds birthday party, I keep finding myself going a little crazy. Then I stop for a second and look at the beautiful boy who is no longer a baby. And darn that world that just keeps spinning when all I really want to do is stop it for a few moments and hold him, while I still can. Oh, how I understand your wish.

7:31 PM  
Blogger tallulah said...

I'm right there with you. Very dizzy. I could use a good three week break from the spinning myself.
Just breathe. Things will slow down.....

11:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I do believe you are on the path you are meant to be on. Good, bad, love, heartbreak... we both know too well that we don't always like what's coming at us but we handle it because we can. Love and hugs! STERN! Oh and how is the cat? Which one? DS

2:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are you crawling around inside my head? I have 1/4 of the schedule you do and yet somehow I feel dizzy. Here's a hug from a friend who's only an email away....


I'm Just a Girl

4:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hang in there. Is there anyway you can take a good hot bath with Rosemary from your garden? That always rejuvenates my soul. And who knows, it might bring back a funny memory...Laughing at life from a tub full of rosemary is more fun than you might think.

Come to think of it, I am running out to the Giant to buy some tonight. Does Rosemary induce labor? Hope not...
Love you,

4:52 PM  

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