Rant of the Week (AKA, What I don't miss about America)

Give me a f***ing break. There's simply no nicer way to say it. If we needed ANY proof at all post 'finger-in-the-Wendys-chili' scandal that the American legal system is completely out of control, and that our culture in general is whiny, opportunistic, overly litigious, instant-gratification and blame-happy, THIS is it.

This Arlington, Virginia woman - Catherine Holmes - is actually SUING the dairy industry: Dannon, Kraft, Gen. Mills, and an assorted bunch of trade groups - because she didn't lose weight on the 'dairy diet'. She actually is quoted as saying, "I was thinking that I wasn't seeing the fat melting off like all those skinny little girls in the ads," O.M.G.!!!!! If only stupidity was a crime. What's next?!? An attack on Tampax, when she isn't miraculously able to compete in a tennis tournament and/or dive into a lake on a summer's day (at 110 lbs and wearing a slinky bikini) immediately after insertion? Or on VIAGRA, when she takes one and a ready-to-go man doesn't appear next to her on a mountain top at sunset? The very best thing I've found about living out of the US is that, by and large, people hold themselves accountable for their own actions. Don't put hot coffee in your lap, bozo. Or if you do and it burns the crap out of your leg when you spill it, do what 98% of rational people would do: Curse loudly. Go home. Change pants. Liberally apply burn cream. Cancel date for the evening. Suck it up, and learn a lesson.

Aaah. But though Catherine is the pretty face (said with tongue FIRMLY placed against my cheek) of this crime against reason, if you dig a bit further, you discover that the suit is actually brought on her behalf by the 'Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine' - a group made up of less than 5% actual physicians; actually a radical animal-rights group in disguise. (Not that I have anything against vegetarians. Or animal lovers. But it's like I say about anything ... if you have passionate beliefs, great - YOU practice them.) Don't like meat? Don't eat it. Oppose abortion? Don't have one, and don't perform them. Think tuna is bad because the nets catch dolphins accidentally? Eat egg salad instead. Think most TV preachers are psycho hate-spewers? Great - don't send 'em your $$$$. Hate spam emails? Delete them. Think porn is bad? Don't watch it, and don't let your kids roam the web unsupervised. Don't like George Bush? You're in good company, but for the love of all that's good and holy, do something more productive with your time and energy than sitting (unshowered in your birkenstocks) in front of his house for the next three and a half years with some half-baked protest sign. Go get involved in local politics, because that's where tomorrow's problems start. Because behaving like a wacko with nothing better to do than picket the White House is NOT - I repeat - NOT advancing the cause. Sigh. We're all responsible for our own lives. That weird, demonstrating radical segment of our society - on so many issues, some that I agree with and others that I don't ... really does leave me to shake my head in wonder. Kook-a-rama. And as for those 5% of the PCRM group who are actual physicians, they deserve every cent and then some of their skyrocketing malpractice insurance costs.

And to you, Catherine: YOU make me ashamed to be a self-confessed occasional yo-yo dieting, heavier-than-I'd-like-to-be-but-not-willing-to-give-up-the-things-I-like woman. No, honey. There's no magic diet, no free lunch (vegetarian or otherwise), and no cure for being hit with the ugly and stupid stick. Get your ass to the gym like the rest of us - or don't - but either way, stop blaming other people for your problems, and for heavens' sake, if you can't do all of that, please move to another country so you can stop giving Americans (and, also, I would hazard a guess, Democrats) a bad name. And, oh, please pick a country with a less voracious media than ours (and the US media should be ashamed of itself, too, which is also something I don't miss about America, but that's a rant for another day.)

But you're not alone in the hall of shame, Catherine. The winner of the 2004 Stella Award (named after the McDonalds Coffee Woman), is the equally-embarrassing Mary Ubaudi of Madison County, Ill. Ubaudi was a passenger in a car that got into a wreck. She put most of the blame on the deepest pocket available: Mazda Motors, who made the car she was riding in. Ubaudi demands "in excess of $150,000" from the automaker, claiming it "failed to provide instructions regarding the safe and proper use of a seatbelt." One hopes Mazda's attorneys make her swear in court that she has never before worn a seatbelt, has never flown on an airliner, and that she's too stupid to figure out on her own how to fasten one.

To marvel at more absolutely blood-boilingly stupid lawsuits, Stella Awards has you covered. Take an aspirin or two before you click, though, to thin your blood accordingly. I'd hate to get sued for referring you to the site if you have a heart attack in anger while reading. Yup. There are people worried about publicizing lists of sex offenders. If I were the crusade-launching type, it would be that people like this be forced to have BEWARE tattooed on their foreheads, so the rest of us know to avoid them.