If not now, when?

One American woman. Twenty acres and a 1650 farmhouse in Tuscany. Random introspection and hilarity, depending on the day.

22 March 2006

On unrequitedness

"Fall in love with me and move to Italy"
"Move to Italy and fall in love with me"

(the order of things becomes inconsequential here; the gist is the same.)

This is what my brain is screaming. My heard has long since gone inexplicably mute on the subject, and my mouth speaks neither truth nor falsehood, just confusion.

Am I in love with him, or in love with the karmic IDEA of him? The full-circleness, inescapable fate-ness of it. (Perhaps both. Certainly the latter.)

When pressed, I confess that don't actually know with certainty that I feel any of this, rather that I simply cannot stop thinking it. The ruminations in my brain are loud and demand attention.

I cannot otherwise explain the oddly perennial 'return to me' sense of our friendship.

I envy him the gift of brilliant obliviousness. He does not know how he cracked my heart ever so slightly with that pat on the head. It should be that the unintentional injuries hurt the least and heal the fastest; I am not certain that is the truth.

Would it matter if he knew? I would like to think so, but I can't be certain.

He who is so busy planning for the future that he cannot enjoy today: this man is as handicapped as she who cannot see beyond today. The crystal ball is cloudy. I have only two feet with which to walk and multitudinous paths from which to choose. We are somehow destined to be forever switching paths, my gypsy soul and I. Is there a signpost when one path ends and the other begins? Do we create our own signposts, and how?

Doors open and are not walked through. Doors close and no amount of thrashing against them will pry them loose. "Open Sesame" ceases to work. The mainstream is claustrophobically crowded. And that path less traveled by - the one that poetically makes all the difference - it is, my friends, desperately lonely.

How do you miss something that did not exist?


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