If not now, when?

One American woman. Twenty acres and a 1650 farmhouse in Tuscany. Random introspection and hilarity, depending on the day.

01 November 2006

Of Chasms and Clarity

Do you know what amazes me? How one moment in time, one change in circumstance, one domino falling differently than you expected... how those tiniest imperceptible movements can turn around your mood, your attitude, your life.

The last few weeks has brought a cacophony of disharmony between wishes and reality; a vast and daunting chasm between people's expectations and my ability to fulfill them... and yet, it is the tiny moments of intense clarity to be cherished:

The arms of a dear friend for comfort during a teenage-esque meltdown in front of my suitcase, emotionally drained and travel-fatigued, exclaiming, "But I have nothing to wear!"

An unexpected compliment from a stranger. You stand straighter: Beautiful. Worthy. Wanted. Confident. Even bad news cannot break you in two at that moment.

The deep ache of your legs screaming at you when you walk up the stairs, a reminder that you perhaps worked them out a just little too hard. The mental note you make to yourself: if you worked out more OFTEN, they would grow accustomed. (And thinner!)

Unexpected peace of mind: the epiphany that while change is painful sometimes, you don't miss the old life, not at all: Sitting out on the sidewalk in DC last night, sipping a much-missed martini, I was at peace knowing that sometimes it is enough to appreciate what something WAS without wanting to go back to it.

A shockingly warm, sunny day when the calendar says it should be freezing: walking a mile in bare legs and bare shoulders, strappy heels dangling from your fingertips, with a generous smile to offer the strangers you pass by.

A simple tap on the shoulder, in the right place and at exactly the right moment, beckoning you through a door you didn't believe was open. That one domino, triggering the chain reaction realization that life (even when neither Plan A nor Plan B make sense) is still exactly as it was meant to be.

Yes, my friends, I have learned that clarity comes in unexpected packages. Life is unpredictable. It does not bend to your wishes. And it lives only in one direction - forward. Accepting the wisdom that there is no reverse is one of life's toughest lessons.

This moment, right now, is all any of us has.
And I pray quietly for the strength to let it be enough.


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