If not now, when?

One American woman. Twenty acres and a 1650 farmhouse in Tuscany. Random introspection and hilarity, depending on the day.

09 November 2006

On Good Intentions

The road to hell, and all that.
I know.

Sometimes it's what you ACTUALLY do, not what you INTEND to do that matters. Sometimes, what you ACTUALLY do reveals the true character of your heart.

Sometimes, the palpable sense of relief that comes from being honest with yourself, and sharing that true self with others is more than enough to make up for the shortcomings in the comparatively unimporant things that you had intended to do.

It was completely ridiculous to think I could do it to begin with.
It might have been completely ridiculous to even think I wanted to.

The spirit of the project, the blog-every-day, is still with me. The letter of the law doesn't seem to be all that important.

My compliant self (the one that makes a commitment and sticks to it, no matter how self-destructive it may ultimately be) wags its finger at me and says I should be blogging. And yet, My heart says I need a break for a few days. If I don't take it, I run the risk of bleeding, unprettily, all over all of you. And you wouldn't want that, you've got new carpeting.

I've realized that, if you're lucky, you reach a point in your life when you have enough confidence to listen to your heart. That point when you stop doing what all those voices in society tell you you're supposed to be doing or what they WANT you to be doing so THEY feel better about themselves, and rather start doing what makes your heart sing. What makes you feel peaceful. What makes you feel complete, critical voices be damned.

Perfect timing, then, that I'm headed into my Christmas present to myself: a two day facilitated retreat/workshop weekend with the woman I want to be when I grow up, darling Patti.

I'll lay really, really good odds that there aren't any web connections where we're going.

And I'll lay even better odds that I'll be happier, more my true self, writing the old fashioned way this weekend: with a moleskine journal and a fountain pen.

My heart is already elsewhere. My soul will be elsewhere. My words will be elsewhere.

I'll check in when I'm back.

And you know me, I'm not big on apologies ... not when I'm doing what I need to be doing: following my heart, being honest with myself, preserving my sanity.

So yes, while the best of intentions had me blogging every day this month, the reality is that I'll probably see ya next week: Tawk amongst yourselves.


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